A hard conversation with myself! Began when my life long friend extended a lovely invitation. 7 states in 7 days..
Back in our hay days we ruled the world and although we've gotten a bit long in the tooth since then, it having been more than 30yrs that we graduated highschool together, I relish the thought of re~living the glory of our road tripping, raving concert tours, & just the idle chit-chat that soul friends share.
My immediate response is Yaasss!! But in all fairness I have to admit to one of the dearest people on the planet... (who financed the last time we shared time together & has offered to do so this time as well... She's super successful in life & works hard as an engineer in Idaho for her money $)... that even though we're the same age on paper, in reality I'm like 30yrs her senior.
I don't wanna hold her back or be the anchor that waylays her plans, much less waste her funds on a dud of a companion. In my heart I am the Thelma to her Louise but my body is more like a grab bag from a different movie, more like, Cocoon.
I've lived my life for the last many years by the spoon theory... In a cycle of reserving spoons and recuperating in order to pace my life's activities & keep going... But the last assault to my immune system has left me home bound & practically bedridden for coming up on 2yrs now. And while I was contemplating Monica's invitation with excitement trying to convince myself I Can Do It ?!!!? Just last night I couldn't find the strength to accept a dinner invitation and I must admit that my spoons have dwindled to fewer & fewer.
Sure some day's bring more than others and I'm able to look OK on the outside but I don't how confident I am that 'something' won't sideline... As everyday is a mystery grab into the bag of signs/symptoms of the systemic illnesses that have taken over my life.
And while I have kept this blog I haven't necessarily paraded my issues on social media or even confided much of what has been heaped on my plate with others. Now it seems I must come clean so someone else isn't cheated by my afflictions & have a hard conversation with her.
I know she'll be understanding, etc... I just hate the anticipation of imminent disappointment. But, I console myself with the assurance that it may be much worse if I try to hide it & just hope for the best.
I have told myself many times recently that "I'm gonna die trying, because waiting here for death to come get me isn't working out" and I am striving to do better!
So for now I commit to this conversation and with May as the target month for substantial improvement I hope to be able to participate in not only an outing with Monica but also a family trip to Florida (retake 5 generation picture).
Please keep positive thoughts & prayers coming my way, they are super appreciated!!
