With a proprensity for coloring outside the lines & forging my own path (even if it's wrong sometimes) is how I've led my life.. A duality of untameable yet still very accommodating. I can see now with clarity in full HD hindsight how I've created allot of my own struggles in this life.
But, I believe through these sometimes difficult, challenging, heart breaking life experiences I have been gifted with the ability to finally trust in myself & have real conviction .. (a blessing in the curse).
There's an adage that says:
'if I only knew then, what I know now" ...
Well, we can't relive time but I can apply the lessons learned from the past, now - to present choices & hopefully avoid future pains.
When I first felt the defining impacts of some really poor choices I scrambled to do better but doubted myself so much so that I longed for someone to redefine my life for me, take the reigns & let me follow because clearly I wasn't demonstrating myself as capable.
And when even that ultimately failed me (miserably) I had to take some long hard looks into myself & a pattern emerged
~besides all of my failed relationships whether romantic, family, or friends having had me as the common denominator ... and as much as I might complain over how controlling the relationships I reminisce actually became ~
I had invited it! I created it! I encouraged! I promoted! and I was reaping what I had sown.
Furthermore, you teach people how to treat you & I began to realize my pursuit of happiness was always tainted by seeking approval of others in some way shape or form.
As I struckout on my own, I can say now that I lived life frivolously when left to my own devices.
Then, when I finally saw myself & the mess I had managed to create I decided I was better off reverting & relenting to someone else's choices again, as in childhood, as though I couldn't trust myself.
For a long while I made myself content with allowing others the control of my beliefs & decisions from mundane to monumental. I was fully committed to my mistake & did everything in my power to keep appearances & keep everyone around me as happy as possible but ALWAYS (as it turns out) to my own detriment.
Unfortunately, not only I paid a price but I basically attached ransoms to my children as well.
Some may say this epiphany is maybe too little, too late but I say Nay! Nay! Because I am a zebra marked by the stripes of longevity.
And because dementia and Alzheimer's is one genetic feature I don't seem predisposed to... I will bare the burdens of what I create through my choices throughout my years without respite.
Another blessing I have found through the curse of my illnesses;
Introspection & self-analysis have led to allot of internal healing & salve for much emotional pain, self inflicted or otherwise.
Slowly but surely I am better able to manage the demons that try to weigh me down, especially when my body revolts and I have no other choice but to just be still.
It's important to be able to drown out the inner-taunting or you run the risk of being kept down & depressed - less you revert back to poor decision making based on the pain & your past patterns, or again allow someone else to take your reigns....
~ Lesson learned!!
If you allow yourself to wallow in the pain it will make you weak, when you're weak you feel undeserving, and then will accept anything offered you...
You Deserve better!
You were intended for More!
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